XIII

Status Quo

2011-08-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

Mon August 8, 2011, 8:33 pm: would like to revisit this: http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/01/20/11-asian-girls/

Sat August 6, 2011, 2:37 pm: Let the annual facebook-ing commence!!!

Sat July 23, 2011, 7:44 pm: Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes! (On a side note: Facebook has aggregated your said wishes, and now all of the advertisements on here are trying to sell me birthday vacations and get-a-ways, haha)

Thu July 21, 2011, 11:50 pm: just saw the movie "Leave." True to it's title, it was the only thing I could think of doing the whole time it was on. (Evidently Brian Cranston, who had a cameo in it, was thinking the same thing. He bailed out of the QA with the excuse that his "wife's back hurts," after admitting it was his first time seeing the completed film.)

Tue July 19, 2011, 11:15 pm: So far movie week has been a success. "Attack the Block" entertained the 15-year-old boy inside of me, and "Life in a Day" made me feel like a spoiled American brat!

Sat July 2, 2011, 8:20 pm: is standing in line for Andrew W.K.'s "Party Lecture"

Tue June 28, 2011, 7:25 pm: Take that ab-1179! [Freedom +1] (sets off illegal fireworks)

Tue June 28, 2011, 7:11 pm: LA Noire, Portal 2, Civilization V, Amnesia, Trenches, Starcraft 2, Assassins Creed: Brotherhood, Metro 2012, The Path, and Torchlight are queued up and ready to go -- and now Team Fortress 2 and World of Warcraft are free-to-play!?! Ahhh!!! Gahhhdammit!!! I'm never going to have time to go to the beach!

Fri June 3, 2011, 10:48 am: just bought a pack of Stride 2.0 gum. How am I supposed to know what they fixed if there's no .nfo file inside!?

Thu May 26, 2011, 7:43 am: wants to know what happened to automatic seatbelts.

Sat May 21, 2011, 3:55 pm: Cheer up, it's not the end of the world.

Fri May 20, 2011, 10:20 pm: Grief over loss of a twin as a special psychological phenomenon has been investigated. Issues of survival guilt, as well as being a living reminder/representation of the deceased twin are central to Nancy Segal’s study, in which she concludes that twin loss is especially traumatic because it upsets the implication that twins should exit the world in the same way they entered: together.

Sun May 8, 2011, 12:05 pm: Good news everyone! (yup, Futurama reference) http://m.guardian.co.uk/science/2011/may/07/scientists-prove-einstein-right?cat=science&type=article

Tue May 3, 2011, 3:58 pm: Does the glimmer of a battle between a clearly defined hero and villain excite you?

Wed April 20, 2011, 10:17 am: Did you know your iPhone keeps a secret log of every location you've ever been to? Oh Apple. You so controversy. http://petewarden.github.com/iPhoneTracker/

Fri April 8, 2011, 11:16 am: Ahhhhhmaaaazing! http://www.joystiq.com/2011/04/07/mega64-enters-limbo-yes-its-as-awkward-as-you-imagine/

Thu March 31, 2011, 3:14 am: Dear World, At first I thought Uwe Boll was the worst thing that could happen to film, but them M. Night Shyamalan came along. M. Knight, you just got served. World: meet James Wan and his gift to you, "Insidious."

Thu March 24, 2011, 10:16 pm: "Anyone reading this present book has no doubt heard many versions of this response, starting with the long line of John Q. Publics who tend to question television and media studies students and researchers about why we would even bother to study television in the first place." -Gray I'll drink to that.

Fri March 11, 2011, 10:30 am: Japan :(

Wed March 9, 2011, 8:46 pm: - Commute, work, commute, sleep . . . - All power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. - We want structures that serve people, not people serving structures. - Those who lack imagination cannot imagine what is lacking. - The more you consume, the less you live. Commodities are the opium of the people. - The future will only contain what we put into it now. - Run, comrade, the old world is behind you!

Fri March 4, 2011, 3:10 pm: 20 pc. Chicken McNuggets for $4.99 - McDonalds, you ol' temptress!

Thu March 3, 2011, 6:16 pm: "Advances in contraceptive and reproductive technologies have enabled western women to enter the labour force and thus gain economic independence, and yet they have also been used to control women through programmes of enforced sterilisation." And that's the way it should be! AMMARIGHT GUYS!?!? EH!? EHH!??! 'dribbles Bud Light on wife-beater and continues to eat Hungry Man frozen dinner'

Thu March 3, 2011, 1:11 am: "...develop a more sophisticated understanding of how these materials reflect the current “garage sale” state of global culture." - Ol' Mr. Jenkins 'starts stopwatch to see how long it takes for Jorge to comment'

Tue March 1, 2011, 8:51 pm: So today I accidentally learned that if you double-tap the "arrow" icon in iPhone's Google Maps (the one that enables your GPS location), it puts Google Maps into a compass orientation mode...so like...North is actually "up." ...and now I'm going to go sit in the corner and hate myself for using Facebook and having an iPhone.

Thu February 24, 2011, 7:30 pm: It seems more and more often that I hear friends and family turn towards the future with optimism, in lieu of their present-day problems. To that I say, in my curmudgeon and callus old-manly way, I don't think there are any more or less problems than usual -- I think we've all just grown up.

Fri February 11, 2011, 11:24 am: 'high five' Egypt.

Thu February 10, 2011, 11:08 pm: misses being cyberpunk.

Tue February 8, 2011, 6:27 pm: got a parking ticket last night -- for being too awesome.

Sun February 6, 2011, 9:40 pm: Disneyland, Enchanted Village, Magic Mountain, Marine World: Los Angeles is encircled by these "imaginary stations" which feed reality, reality-energy, to a town whose mystery is precisely that it is nothing more than a network of endless, unreal circulation: a town of fabulous proportions, but without space or dimensions.

Sat February 5, 2011, 9:13 pm: The Russian producers of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire eliminated the “ask the audience” lifeline because people intentionally give the wrong answer to contestants.

Thu February 3, 2011, 2:12 am: Deretrish Phameck: The Next Generation

Wed January 26, 2011, 7:32 pm: I take it back, there is a God. http://dinnerinabottle.com/

Sat January 22, 2011, 3:32 pm: And I think it's gonna be a long long time; Till touch down brings me round again to find; I'm not the man they think I am at home; Oh no no no I'm a rocket man.

Fri January 21, 2011, 9:39 pm: Yes! Yes! 1,000 x Yes!!! ( http://gizmodo.com/5739091/how-creed-saved-a-norwegian-boy-from-a-pack-of-wolves )

Fri January 21, 2011, 11:26 am: Hahahaha ( http://www.joystiq.com/2011/01/20/ubisoft-launching-smurfs-movie-tie-in-for-wii-and-ds-this-august/#continued )

Wed January 19, 2011, 9:03 pm: Well color me mutragrutaloise.

Tue January 18, 2011, 3:46 pm: "Now that we've covered all of those bases...and they belong to us!" -My Professor

Mon January 17, 2011, 10:07 pm: Stevie Wonder has a Happy Birthday song for MLK Day!? Badass.

Fri January 14, 2011, 10:54 am: Not to be a cynic...but seriously? This is some pretty medieval shit for it being the year 2011. ( http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/jan/14/pope-john-paul-sainthood? )

Mon January 10, 2011, 8:27 pm: is rockin' his first day of school (for this semester), and chillin' with Roberto Orci tonight! Woot Woot!

Thu December 30, 2010, 2:09 pm: Tomorrow is the last day ever you can submit over-the-counter drugs to a FLEX plan. SHOPPING SPREE!!!

Mon December 27, 2010, 11:25 pm: 's Mojo [is] So Dope. Erase Me.

Mon December 27, 2010, 8:52 pm: is constantly impressed with Virgin America. Earlier, a super awesome rep walked me 100 yards to a hidden ticket terminal -- and right now I'm watching a different rep hold a paper airplane flying competition with all the bored kids at the gate (because of our delayed flight). The reps plane has a Virgin America sticker on it's tail, bahahaha!

Sat December 25, 2010, 1:06 pm: Happy holidays everyone :) (now get the hell off Facebook!)

Thu December 23, 2010, 8:57 am: misses Nook-Nook, the one sock wonder.

Sun December 19, 2010, 11:55 pm: went down to the basement to see why the hot water wasn't working. I'm no expert, but I'm guessing the pilot light being submerged beneath a foot of standing water is the problem...

Mon December 13, 2010, 10:11 pm: officially completed his Freshmen semester. Sophomore semester, here I come!

Fri December 10, 2010, 10:43 pm: Butterscotch pudding...doesn't taste like either of those things...

Thu December 9, 2010, 7:27 pm: The radio traffic reporter just informed me that the highway I'm on, "...has a mattress in the middle of lanes 3 and 4 - pause - nothing good can come of that!" How right you are, radio traffic reporter!

Thu December 9, 2010, 7:26 pm: The radio traffic reporter just informed me that the highway I'm on, "...has a mattress in the middle of lanes 3 and 4 - pause - nothing good can come of that!"

Tue December 7, 2010, 2:21 pm: State-censorship has always been an area I have trouble relating to, when talking to people I meet in foreign countries. Today though, when I couldn't load wikileaks.org (which is now blocked due to government mandate), I got one step closer...

Fri December 3, 2010, 6:13 pm: Netflix just sent me 4 movies in a row that star Adrien Brody. ...Help

Wed December 1, 2010, 10:21 pm: : Q: How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. PETA can't change anything!

Sun November 28, 2010, 7:54 pm: "127 Hours" got me all excited for some rare steak!

Fri November 19, 2010, 11:32 pm: Walmart is selling GPS' starting at $59.99. That seems ridiculously cheap for a global positioning satellite. (I should get some money from the automated teller machine machine and buy one)

Tue November 16, 2010, 1:06 pm: It comes as no surprise that the cruise I booked would be cancelled due to an unprecedented (first time in 35 years) ship fire. You win this round fate. You win this round.

Tue November 16, 2010, 1:49 am: Have you ever had one of those times where you were eating dinner and didn't know someone was staring at you through your dining-room window? ...Yeah. Me too.

Mon November 15, 2010, 8:11 pm: Beautiful. http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/blog/2010/nov/14/sarah-palin-alaska-reality-tv

Thu November 11, 2010, 1:17 pm: Konichiwa bitches. (check out the song with the same title by Robyn)

Mon November 8, 2010, 6:57 pm: "There will be no priest, we are getting a Billy Corgan impersonator to marry us." ...Only you Franco. Only you. (Well, except for Googin. He probably would too.)

Tue November 2, 2010, 2:19 pm: Well well well. So we meet again Mc Ribwich. 'glare'

Tue November 2, 2010, 12:04 am: A guy just approached me at the bus stop and told me he's from the UCLA economics program, just broke up with someone, had his car stolen, and has been sleeping in Leavey Library for 4 days. He said he didn't want to be a beggar, but really needed some money. ...I told him, "Fuck you UCLA." Fight On.

Mon November 1, 2010, 1:35 pm: It's so true: http://www.awkwardzombie.com/comic1-101810.php

Tue October 26, 2010, 3:06 pm: officially waived CTPR 507! SUCK MA' BALLZ FILM FAGS!!!

Wed October 20, 2010, 12:57 pm: I got a real nice piece With a handle of bone A good friend to have When you're out on you're own But you don't miss twice... When you're shavin' with a knife

Tue October 19, 2010, 7:59 pm: is sitting in the bottom of a well.

Mon October 18, 2010, 4:25 pm: Anyone want to have lunch?

Fri October 15, 2010, 6:08 pm: Phambearpig: Now with more cuntilicious crunch!!!

Tue October 12, 2010, 2:56 am: Karl Fuckhell Kim Marx Jong-il Jr.

Sun October 10, 2010, 8:17 pm: can't get enough of that Shutter Island.

Tue October 5, 2010, 9:09 pm: hasn't seen many Ethiopians in Little Ethiopia...

Sat October 2, 2010, 4:23 pm: It seems as though the authors of these academic articles belong to a sub-culture dick waving competition that is judged via sentence lengths.

Sat October 2, 2010, 2:09 pm: "The ultimate condition of production is [therefore] the reproduction of the conditions of production." ...and only 120 more pages to go...

Mon September 27, 2010, 11:59 pm: has had a Steven Hawkings lecture DVD patiently waiting on the coffee table for over a week. Grease up your wheelchair Steve, tonight may be the night.

Sun September 26, 2010, 11:37 pm: has a theory, you see. I have a theory. About magic...and miracles. (Effin' magnets. How do they work?)

Fri September 24, 2010, 5:31 pm: can't wait to see M. Night Shyamalan's "Devil"

Wed September 22, 2010, 11:30 am: Nothing like some light Bazin reading in the morning. Statements like, "For death is but the victory of time," go great with these Cheerios...

Mon September 20, 2010, 11:52 am: Mouthwash is great, until you screw it up.

Mon September 20, 2010, 1:09 am: 's last name is a combination of the words "Hell" and "Fuck." (according to the internet- which is never wrong)

Mon September 13, 2010, 3:23 pm: This school has more fountains than it does students...

Sun September 12, 2010, 3:21 pm: Wake-boarding and water-boarding are two VERY different activities.

Sat September 11, 2010, 9:07 pm: is cooking steak in a cooler...again. (Go see "Catfish")

Fri September 10, 2010, 3:51 pm: Spr srsly u gys, go c Catfish.

Fri September 10, 2010, 1:19 am: Holy shit. Go see "Catfish." It's fucking amazing. (Definitely should get nominated)

Thu September 9, 2010, 11:24 am: Mother Nature must be feelin' pimp today, 'cause she's makin' it rain!

Tue September 7, 2010, 7:36 pm: Hrmm.

Sat September 4, 2010, 4:28 pm: just attended his first Quincé! Holy church mariachi batman! I can't wait to see these guys play at the reception! Ay yay yay yay! Rrrrrrepa!

Fri September 3, 2010, 3:43 pm: In 2001 I updated my OS from Win95 to XP. Nine year later, in response to the horrible system hive corruption of 9/1/10, I'm making the next leap to Windows 7! Behold! THE POWER!

Sun August 29, 2010, 7:07 pm: had an awesome time seeing everyone again at the Crocodile Lounge (NYC) last night!!! ...is what my status would say if I wasn't stuck in LA doing homework. Jerks.

Thu August 26, 2010, 11:58 am: Last night I dreamt I got dumped for Dane Cook. ...I don't even know where to begin with that one.

Mon August 23, 2010, 4:34 pm: It is ABUNDANTLY clear that this week is rush week.

Thu August 19, 2010, 10:52 pm: While walking around today I noticed that the insides of a Metro ticket machine look EXACTLY like the insides of a card-slotted DA rack. And the antenna on an undercover police car looks EXACTLY like the antenna on a digital video transmitter! ...The production withdrawal must be setting in.

Tue August 17, 2010, 12:25 pm: Never thought he'd return to the days of worrying about missing the school bus, forgetting homework, or going to school without pants. (actually, I'd love that last one...)

Tue August 10, 2010, 11:52 am: Never thought using the LA Metro would be nostalgic...

Wed August 4, 2010, 9:46 pm: The Dean of Academic Records and Registrar just accidentally emailed every student at the University...from his iPhone.

Tue August 3, 2010, 3:49 pm: How Americanized is Singapore? Whenever I hear the new Eminem album I think of it (and the schwarma stand). ...I'm not afraid, not afraid...

Mon August 2, 2010, 10:55 pm: just invented the shake-weight dance! ...What? Huh?

Fri July 23, 2010, 10:55 pm: Holy moly! Thank you everyone, for the Birthday wishes! That's a lot of wall posts to respond to!!!

Fri July 2, 2010, 12:20 pm: Sooo...Apple has been improperly displaying the amount of signal bars on all of their iPhone models, thus deceivingly making the phones appear to have high signal quality. They will rectify this by changing the software to accurately display fewer bars...but will also be making the small bars...bigger...Um...?

Wed June 30, 2010, 10:13 am: Is fucking soaked - because his life is experiencing a tropical storm (ie. when it rains, it goddamn pours). ...Where's Rhianna live?

Tue June 29, 2010, 1:33 am: 's iPhone 4 dock has finally shipped! ...Now if they would just ship my goddamn iPhone 4...'grumble grumble'

Fri June 25, 2010, 9:45 pm: was told by Apple that they don't take their own gift-cards for new products. Then was told by Apple that his pre-order on the 15th won't be shipping until next week. Then was told by Apple that his phone will only work if he holds it right. Then was told by Apple that the yellow blotches on it's screen will go away on their own. ...Derek could really use a hug from Bill Gates right now.

Wed June 23, 2010, 1:43 am: Me: "Of course, no BP execs will go to jail because it's too hard to pin the crimes of a corporation onto single individuals."Grandfather: "Yet people that get caught with weed get 8 years of jail." ...Wow! Gramps is informed!

Sun June 20, 2010, 6:34 pm: can confidentally say- painting your apartment walls and ceilings black, is cheaper than repainting them to white. Fact.

Sun June 20, 2010, 12:03 am: found the cure!!! All we had to do was rearrange the bags that were spelling "hope." God! Why didn't anyone think about that before!?!

Sat June 19, 2010, 8:43 pm: thinks the reason no one has found a cure yet is because they organize these damn things on the hottest days of the year!

Sat June 19, 2010, 5:09 pm: feels counter-productive. Walking to fight cancer....while getting a sunburn...

Sat June 19, 2010, 3:47 pm: has walked around this damn track 18 times and still hasn't found the cure for boob cancer.

Tue June 15, 2010, 8:43 pm: if you live outside of CA, your iPhone is probably $30 less expensive. The fine print "*In CA, MA and RI sales tax is collected on the unbundled price of the iPhone." We get taxed $60. ...This makes so little sense my head hurts. Why, again, do we get sales taxed for $599 when we clearly are not purchasing an item at that price. Shouldn't AT&T be taking this hit? ...and if not, why do we STILL have a bankrupt state?

Tue June 15, 2010, 5:32 pm: For every step forward Apple takes with technology, AT&T seems to hold them back 2 steps. This pre-order business is the worst execution I've ever seen. (Edit: Apple's schistey gift card policies don't seem to be helping. Both companies suck.)

Tue June 15, 2010, 5:29 pm: For every step forward Apple takes with technology, AT&T seems to hold them back 2 steps. This pre-order business is the worst execution I've ever seen.

Mon June 14, 2010, 2:14 pm: tastes his bacon breakfast when he burps, and is heading to see the Derby Dolls (roller derby). Today is going to be a good day.

Fri June 11, 2010, 5:09 pm: just turned down working for Microsoft at E3, for instead, BBQ's and roller derby. What kind of god would face me with these decisions!?

Thu June 10, 2010, 2:00 am: can't believe what a difference it makes when you put a box of baking soda in your fridge. (...Yeah, yeah. "You know how I know you're gay.)

Mon June 7, 2010, 10:55 am: Little known fact: December 25th is Baduchi's 2nd favorite day of the year. Today is Baduchi's REAL Christmas.

Fri June 4, 2010, 5:11 pm: Californ-ya-ya! Super cool to the homeless! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMsr0cLnQPI

Wed June 2, 2010, 8:36 pm: just got a shout-out on a college radio station! Hell yeah!

Tue June 1, 2010, 11:23 pm: is psyched that "Invader Zim" is on Netflix Instant Queue!

Tue May 25, 2010, 12:37 pm: is in the final stages of packing. The one where you run out of boxes, and just start throwing things in garbage bags. Soon I will reach the threshhold of having 15 more items to pack, but keep procrastinating the act of doing so.

Sat May 22, 2010, 3:09 pm: Um. Yeah. Good luck beating this status update. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3MSfcHv0_c&feature=player_embedded

Fri May 21, 2010, 5:45 pm: is packing up the ol' apartment. You wouldn't believe how much electronics and copper wiring I own. Speaking of which...what wall did I put that hooker in...

Tue May 18, 2010, 3:38 pm: gives mad props to the arcade light-gun game Carnevil. Thems was the days.

Sat May 15, 2010, 6:08 pm: , according to Valerie, closes jelly jars with the strength of a thousand bears.

Sat May 15, 2010, 3:27 pm: loathes the elephant shrew.

Wed May 12, 2010, 9:15 am: is swimmin' with the fishes ya' hear.

Tue May 11, 2010, 11:47 am: saw the MacGruber movie, and never wants to eat celery again.

Mon May 10, 2010, 11:00 pm: brings you another public service announcement: If you are married and on Facebook, consider using your original last name with your married one. This will help the people you send friend requests to, but don't talk to often.

Sat May 8, 2010, 11:16 pm: You'll never guess where I ate dinner. Two clues: 1) Lettuce wraps 2) Chang sauce.

Fri May 7, 2010, 6:49 pm: is lookin' for a 1 bedroom in the Silverlake/Los Feliz area. Anyone got a hot tip?!

Mon May 3, 2010, 5:06 pm: is Catalina-bound! ("I'm on a boat!" "Fuckin' Catalina wine mixer!" etc.)

Fri April 30, 2010, 4:03 pm: is now considered an elite member by Microsoft's customer support. As Kid Rock would say, "I'm goin' platinum!"

Wed April 28, 2010, 8:59 pm: once traded in his blue and gold for blue and white. Now he's trading those in for red and gold. (sidenote: if you are associated with UCLA...I guess I hate you)

Sun April 25, 2010, 2:06 am: doesn't know what part of his day was more badass: "God of War 3" or "Kick-Ass".

Thu April 22, 2010, 9:29 pm: "Afro Samurai: Ressurection" = awesome. Thank you Samuel L., Lucy Liu, and Mr. RZA.

Fri April 16, 2010, 8:59 am: is going to use an "ask the audience." USC or SU?!

Tue April 13, 2010, 3:41 pm: Have you ever heard of the "Violent Femmes"? They're not half bad. (This update created circa 1990)

Sun April 11, 2010, 3:52 pm: CORRECTION: is going to celebrate God's day (Sunday) by updating his profile pic, eating pizza, and watching "Planet of the Apes." MAYBE at the same time.

Sun April 11, 2010, 3:48 pm: is going to celebrate God's day (Sunday) by updating his profile pic and eating pizza. MAYBE at the same time.

Mon April 5, 2010, 11:33 am: Today could be the day. (The plane I'm on didn't start properly, 3 times in a row, so they're repairing it while we sit on the runway. But the pilot has assured us he will fly FASTER to LA to keep us on time. Hm.)

Sun April 4, 2010, 5:55 pm: hates all of you. I keep missing all the good earthquakes. Lame.

Sat November 14, 2009, 4:25 pm: Quote of the Day: "I love you I love you I love you. Days are torturous without you. But my love for you grows stronger every second. Even if I have to brave cold nights and empty bedsheets. I will wait for you my love. Always and Always," - Phoenix.

Tue October 6, 2009, 9:49 pm: listing to TATU play from the Mezzanine PA system. It kinda blends with the "Red Red Wine" playing from Tony N' Tina's wedding, which is being performed right next to me.

Sat September 5, 2009, 7:33 pm: This Gus discussed his disgust at the gust on the discus.

Fri July 10, 2009, 7:52 pm: has a secret, but he can't tell it.

Sun July 5, 2009, 3:11 pm: diggin' Modest Mouse's newly released cut tracks, "Satellite Skin" in particular.

Riiiiiise from your grave!

2010-06-02T17:44:00.000-07:00

Shit's about to go down y'all, I'm bringin' the blog back!

After a year break, I decided that it's time to continue the documentation of my life.

In typical OCD fashion, I WILL be kicking it off with a ton of retro-event posting. I don't want Brett to feel like he missed his opportunity to be a featured event (he recently visited me).

I'm already getting queezy thinking about all the stuff that happened in the back-logs of my life...

Blog from a 37,082 ft. altitude.

2009-06-10T10:34:00.001-07:00

I'm on Virgin America flight #404 right now, heading to NYC for Erik & Emily's wedding. I'm cuurrently above Iowa. Going 510 mph. It's -76 degrees Fahrenheit outside.

I've never posted to my blog from this high before...so...now I have.

The end.

This one's for you Brett.

2009-06-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

Toshiba-iHome gets docked.

Ron loses a quarter.

Ron gets oppressed.

Derek drops the soap.

Throw in the towerl 'cause your life ain't shit. No take the towel and hang yourself with it.

2009-03-01T17:01:00.000-08:00

'Cause life's short and hard, like a body building elf.

-The Bloodhound Gang

The more I go through life, the more I tend to categorize the types of people I meet. As of lately I've started to put my finger on a new category.

There are people that go to work and go home. They enjoy life for what it is. They enjoy their loved ones. They enjoy the things that entertain them.
And that is their life.
I think it may be safe to say they lead a life mainly fueled by money...for that is their means to get what they need, and more importantly to get what they want. Which is enjoyment.
I'm not the first person to discover that more money equals more enjoyment.
If these people are very lucky, their job will also be a form of enjoyment. I think it is safe to say this is less often the case.

This is probably you.

Then there is the other side of this coin.

These are the people that can't handle routine. They have trouble enjoying life for what it is. They have trouble enjoying the things that entertain them. Yet, at least they enjoy their loved ones.
They're not content with just living life.
Money buys them what they need, but it hardly buys them what they want. Which is to make a difference.
If these people are very lucky, their life won't be a waste.

I'm not sure which one I am yet.

Meth Heads Sleep In Pine Trees...

2008-12-05T17:40:00.000-08:00

...in Salt Lake City. It's kinda neat/cozy looking. You see a hole cut out in the bottom of a large pine tree, and if you peek your head in you see a living space someone has made. Usually involving dirty newspaper, urine, and broken glass pipes.

While in Syracuse for my grandfather's funeral, I was lucky enough to meet up with some old friends.
It's funny...every time I say I won't be back soon to someone...I always end up being back soon.

Coincidentally it was the same weekend as the Caz Xmas walk, so it turned out to make a perfect time for a reunion with all the old skool friends.
Tommy G was there, and his brother. Eli of course. Steve G. with some lovely ladies as always. Steph J. and Juli T. were full of smiles, as usual. Then of course there were the Mowers Bros. & Co.
It was great to see everyone. Good to know everyone is doing alright :)

The next night Valerie and I hung out with Eli.

We met up with Steve G. and hung out under the Armory Square LED xmas tree (as seen in the background in the picture above).
Upon closer look it was comprised of many more wires and pieces of 2x4 than you'd probably believe.

Then we went to Dinosaur BBQ to meet up with Brett and his main squeeze, Matt, Garrett, Brother Joncas, etc.

Along the way to the Dino we passed a clock that was counting down slowly.

13...

12...

11...

Had terrorists plotted to blow up Armory Square via an extremely elaborate plan involving a home-made monument bomb?

9...

8...

7...

Seriously. What is this thing doing.

Naturally...we walked closer to it. The second time in recent memory that I did exactly what a stupid-ass-actor would do in a horror movie, "go investigate."
(The other time was when we were in the desert 4-wheeling and came back to a once lit, but now dark, trailer)

3...

2...

1...

24...

23...

What the.

Apparently it was put there in honor of basketballs 24-second shot clock. Which had been invented, developed, tested, and certified locally.
You can read ALL about it on it's plaque.

And we did.

During dinner at Dino BBQ, Valerie got to witness her first substantial snow fall.
She was very excited.
No one else was.

After Dino BBQ we walked down the street to a "pub" to have some "pints."
Look Brett! You're in my blog again!

Then the next day I flew back to L.A.

It was great to see everyone. It's always good to catch up with old faces, and know that your old friends are still...your best friends.

Assisted Suicide

2008-12-04T09:40:00.000-08:00

The above, aired on BBC's Sky news, is a report on (and video of) the final moments of a man named Craig Ewert. This was the first time an assisted suicide was aired on public television.

Watching this video made me cry for the second time in years.

The first time was a few days earlier, after Thanksgiving, when while at my parents we received a phone call that my grandfather had died.

He was an amazing man. Often seen as the gruff type, not unlike in "Grumpy Old Men."
Yet, I'll never forget back when I was a kid, when I had been sick once and he came over to take care of me. He brought me donuts holes and juice...neither of which I could eat (I was too sick). But they were the types of food that would have made him feel better...and as a kid that was enough to show me that he had cared.
That and the secret handshake...

I was ready when he died. I had said all I needed to him. I had made my peace.

Years ago.

He suffered from severe Alzheimer disease. First slowly losing track of what was going on around him... then eventually completely losing all short-term memory (by the time his wife passed away from lung cancer).
I'll never forget the look in his eyes at her funeral. It was like he was watching a story unfold...one he knew the ending to...but couldn't quite grasp the plot of.
He cried, and told her he missed her. Then he'd be ok for a few minutes...only to repeat it all over again.
I thought it horribly sad, through each realization, that his reactions were strikingly similar to that of a confused child.

At least during his funeral we wouldn't have to be put through that again.

Every day, for weeks after, he asked where his wife was.

Eventually he stopped asking.

Over the next few years I would call him.
"Hey papa, it's Derek."

"Hey papa, it's your grandson Derek."

"Hey papa, it's your grandson Derek...Jeff's son."

Once he forgot who my dad was I couldn't call any more.

The reason I'm crying while writing this isn't because I miss him, and I do. It's because of the memories I have of losing him well before his death.
It's because of having to watch my father struggle to hang on to his father. Watching my dad struggle to find peace with himself...knowing that there was nothing he could do to help.

How many times a day can you call someone that doesn't remember you...until you stop.

How many times can you try and comfort yourself...telling yourself there's nothing you can do about it...until you actually believe it.

At what point do you stop trying...because you know it's something you're only doing to content yourself.

My dad didn't find the answer to any of these questions.

Because of our society's close ties to religion, it will probably be a long time before professional assisted suicide becomes an accepted act of death...which is somehow different than over-medicating and pulling the plug on a machine.
By then we'll probably have a cure for Alzheimer disease anyways.

I find it sad that my OTHER grandfather has already built a solution in the event he needs to end his own life.
But I also commend him.
Society isn't going to help his cause.

Your life is your own. As is mine.

I will refuse to live, if my sole existence does nothing but sadden others.

Tip: When You High-Five Someone, Look At Their Elbow

2008-11-29T16:14:00.000-08:00

Seriously.
If you watch their elbow while you go to high-five them you won't miss their hand. Successfully eliminating the embarrassing "we just missed hands" or even worse "we just kinda hit hands, but kinda missed, and it made the noise of a dead fish being slapped against the ground."

True story.

Fact.

For Thanksgiving, Valerie and I flew to my parents place outside of Reno/Tahoe.

We were told there was going to be a mustache party. (Yes, that is a real flyer at a bar there)

But instead were forced to eat at a table full of dead leaves and plants.

If you look closely you'll see our silverware is made of sticks.

It was horrible.

We were also told that we would be treated to a day of skiing at the fabulous Squaw Valley.

We were hauled to the top of the mountain by a sort of...elevator...tram...Frankenstein contraption. It was quite frightening really.

Ready to hit the snowy, barely marked, trails!

Except there was no snow.

Just a lot of dirt and some foreign flags.

We were then told we would be taken for a horse ride.

Following suit with the rest of the trip...it was break-in your own horse day.

How hard could it be to tame a wild horse?

Fucking jerks. Get back here.

The vacation was just plain miserable. So we decided to go back home.

Valerie tried her luck at a "Shake Your Booty" slot machine in the airport.

Lo-and-behold girls started shaking their animated booties (yes, to the song by the same name), and Valerie won $5.

At least someone had a good Thanksgiving.*

---------------
*
I love my parents and it was great to see them.

Are things getting smaller?

2008-11-21T13:59:00.000-08:00

Or am I getting bigger?

The other day I opened a box of Everlasting Gobbstoppers and they seemed unusually small.

I've also heard rumors that the Big Mac has gotten pretty small as well.

I'll report back once I've finished a field study on this.

So. After NYC we flew to Miami to work on the last portion of the current project. Typically when I travel for work, it involves getting my own hotel room. But on THIS show I got to share one with Steve! So to kick things up a notch, we converted our room to a swank club. The following is a first ever look behind the doors of...

"Club 414"

Upon entering Club 414 you'll notice that is it very spacious. Club 414's managers specifically designed it to have an open feeling to it.

Visitors of Club 414 are welcome to use the luXXXiously large bed OR chique fold-out couch.

A strict paper-rock-scissor policy is in effect for who gets to be the big spoon.

There's a funky fresh plasma TV playing visualizations to match Club 414's ultra-swank music (now available on Compact Disc).

Oh my. Club 414 has a beautiful view of the sunset and palm trees. Perfect for romantic social conversations at the clubs round, OR square, tables.

Feel free to get freaky in front of the mirrors lining the Club 414 dance floor.

What's that Bartender Steve?

White russians are on the house?

Don't mind if Iiii do!

Club 414 is also equipped with reading lights for that late-night magazine or romance novel.

Club 414's mini-fridge comes fully stocked...

...with all your favorites.

(Even some "adult fun" kits)

Don't forget, Club 414 also has you covered if you plan on hitting up the beach. That is, if you ever felt like leaving! Hah!

What's this?

Club 414 also feature's a state-of-the art, super clean lavatory.

Featuring a three and a half foot deep tub. Perfect for those sexy underwater adventures.

Just look how much THIS girl loved Club 414!
(The managers office is conveniently located...inside Club 414)

The managers of Club 414 would like to show you around outside!

Club 414 also features it's own private beach...

...and rooftop pool.

Club 414's private beach.

MMMMmmm. Sexy.

(Bartender Steve sits next to rooftop pool)

Watch out for the cacti ladies!

Swank pool hang-out/canoodling area.

Club 414's private elephant.

Lobby aquarium...

...which houses the Club 414 sharks.

Club 414's "infinite" pool.

Currently being remodeled by Club 414's private engineers.

Or club-gineers as we call them.

Oh my. Those chairs look fabulous there.

Club 414's head of security, Tim, makes sure rift-raft like these don't bother our exclusive guests.

(More Club 414 club-gineers)

Lookin' good fellas!

Oooh. Green. How...sexy.

Panoramic view of the club's remodeling process.

Hm. I don't like it. Take it all away.

(Outside view of Club 414)

We hope you enjoyed your tour of Club 414. Stop by soon!

(Even though we probably won't let you in. Hah!)

Other random photos from Miami:

The Tree Shew. Nemesis of the Dirt Shrew.

Shear Genius? What's that...

While eating dinner at a fancy steak house, I open my menu to see this.

So that's where it comes from!

Zing.

Jamaica'n me crazy BLT.

A...pool table.

Don't pass out in Club 414. You're likely to get raged.

An epic battle. 'ching' (that was the swords hitting together noise)

Dis-Oriented

2008-11-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

While shooting in Orlando, FL we had honor of taking a trip to Mars (oddly enough the spaceship was placed in Disney World). There was a safety video we had to watch before our departure...flying to Mars apparently doesn't require a lot of training, and this video briefly mentioned that we may be prone to becoming dis-oriented during the flight.

Coincidentally, the visual representation of this warning involved an Asian woman.

I voiced my concern that this machine may in-fact take Oriental people...and dis-Orient them, as mentioned in the television demonstration.
Disney no longer appreciates my business.

And hear I thought that creating a (virtual reality) roller coaster called the "Jolly-O-Matic," then riding it with my sister...would have been more offense than that.

Anyways...

After San Diego, I had time to spend one day at home to take shorts out of my luggage and replace them with pants.
I was headin' to work in the big city!

Might as well say it, "As usual I can't really go into details but here's some pictures I took while I was there."

Stairwell outside of Erik and Emily's apartment.

With floors that thin, I felt like I was looking at two worlds at once.

(I believe I took that picture shortly before Barrack Obama won the presidential election of 2008. OBAMA!)

For some reason, I believe the sign.

"What's da' pran again? I forget."

Halloween night, huddled inside of a bar with Erik and Emily, hiding from the zombies outside.

(Seriously, the streets in the East Village were CRAZY packed with people. I've never seen so many people in costumes before...well...not since that one incident...)

The #1 NATURAL cause of deaths per year is heart-related.
The #1 CAUSE of deaths per year is hot-water-heater related.

(Cardiovascular seemed like too big of a word for that sentence.)

A label describing how to achieve 2nd & 3rd degree burns at varying temperatures.

I'd like to meet the guy that spends 5 minutes exposing himself to 120 degree water. What an asshole!

What's that you say? Hot tub? I've never heard of such a device.

I'm pretty sure Zak is sponsored by Red Bull by now.

Or Apple?

Hard at work. As usual.

(Line Rider was a big hit on this show.)

Some big building that was across from the rooftop I was on.

Silly Ron. You can't put your plate in the to-go container!

Do you like to get spwet? Do you like to party? This might be the place for you.

("Spwet" (noun) : when a male gets wet from sexual arousal.)

Lets hear it for the...

Hmm. It was working a minute ago.

Probably one of the best Bday cards ever. EVER.

You said it Zak.

This post is dedicated to Erik and Emily. You guys fucking rock. It's too bad you'll probably never read this.

*
This asterisk is dedicated to Ron and Adam. You guys kinda rock too.

Highway To The Danger Zone

2008-10-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

Would you live forever...

...if all it took was to reset your life?

I won a book during Xmas (yeah...Xmas with the Heck's can get a little strange...sometimes we win stuff, sometimes we hide stuff...but we always end up marching and singing), which I ended up giving to my mom (due to it's extremely high estrogen-related content). While waiting for my turn to open a present I quickly read the summary on the back page, which basically said something along the lines of: "three women meet a gypsy and are given the chance to go back and re-live any three weeks in their life...blah blah blah."

Which got me thinking...

If you could live your life, and at any given point had the option to go back in time and re-live it all over again (without any memories carried over), would you?

At first when I thought of the idea it seemed like who wouldn't. But then quickly I pictured a child with porpoise arms and a drooling face, and figured he probably wouldn't want to. Or...at least I wouldn't want to if I was him.
The other problem I was having was taking into consideration all the weak people in the world. Not to point fingers, but for starters I think it's safe to assume that hundreds of thousands of people that use religion as a scapegoat to all the problems in their miserable lives- would be pretty quick to jump the gun on this. (I'm also quite sure if we had this capability, the need for religion would be nearly obsolete).
The minute someone had a bad day would they say, "Fuck it." and reset their life? Thus missing out on a winning lottery ticket that one bad day may have potentially resulted in.
Or perhaps while laying on your death-bed at 95 years-old, next to your healthy 80 year-old wife, you chose to reset your whole happy life. Only to miss out on the moment the nurse was about to walk in with a miracle contraption that would preserve your memories, which could then be uploaded into another perfectly healthy, and young, cloned human body.

I suppose that's the greatest challenge to this theory...is it worth waiting your life out to see what's going to happen? Or would you be content with forgetting the whole thing even happened and just start over.

How long do you wait it out?

These are the types of things I think about when I'm forced to wait to open my presents.

September 22, 2008
---------------------------

Someone made the mistake of mentioning the word "skydiving" around the newly formed Adventure Club. (Originally started while working on a show a couple months ago, during "The Longest Journey.")

The following took place in San Diego, proceeding an attempt to eat a 12-egg omlette:

We drove out into the middle of nowhere, about 10 miles from the Mexico border.

Where we signed many legal documents agreeing that skydiving was, basically, a bad idea.

In fact, we were even forced to watch an extremely old video tape of a lawyer telling us that what we were about to do was mindlessly dangerous, and whatever the consequences of the day may be- their company would not be held responsible.

We participated in what was approximately a 5 minute training course on how to correctly fall out of a plane...

...and then were assigned licensed professionals onto whom we'd be strapped to while shoved out of said plane.

We would free-fall for 15 seconds from 13,000 ft., reaching a terminal velocity of roughly 120 mph (the human standard), then gently glide via parachute landing in this small grass field.

And basically...that's all there really is to skydiving.

The whole process seemed to happen very quickly, to me at least. From the time I was sat down to sign waivers, to the time I was sitting in a small plane on a runway in a surprisingly sparse body harness, there was little to no time to really second guess the whole operation.
Before I knew it we were on a bumpier than usual airplane ride high above the hills around us. I'm not usually a huge fan of turbulence, especially while sitting next to a gaping hole in the aircraft, but found myself remarkably un-phased by it. Most likely from the comfort of having a parachute close-by.
The ground faded away until recognizable objects such as cars and buildings became shiny reflective specks. The terrain started to take on a form so flat that it might as well have been a bland painting done by an amateur art student.
It was obvious that the people around me were getting nervous, but I can honestly say that not once during the whole process did it cross my mind that anything bad was going to happen. Because of this, I was barely phased by the process...if anything, just slightly excited to get out of the rickety plane.
Just as quick as everything else had been happening, the side of the plane, comprised of a sliding plexiglas door, was thrown open. A strong warm breeze rushed into the plane. Within seconds I found myself standing on the edge of the plane, staring down at the what-seemed fake ground, preparing to rock back and forth 3 times (as in training) and then falling out. I started to rock back then forwards.

One.

Two.

I'm not in the plane.

There's the ground.

Now I'm spinning backwards.

There's the plane.

There's the ground again.

We're falling towards the ground now...no longer spinning, just facing down.

I thought we were going to count to three. That fucker.

I wonder if anyone else got a surprise back-roll from their instructor.

Oh yeah. I'm falling.

Huh. It's surprisngly warm.

The mountains look gorgeous. (They were a shade of pink from the sunset)

The sun setting over the ocean looks amazing.

It doesn't seem like I'm falling. It's too quiet. Oh...well I guess it's actually really loud...it just sounds like wind.

I'm surprised my stomach didn't drop or anything. I can't believe how easy it is to breathe.

Wow. It's so....beautiful out.

The grounds getting slightly closer. It's so weird to see it from above, unobstructed.

I can't believe how pretty everything looks from up here.

Man, I could fall asleep like...

'WHOOSH'

Oh yeah. The parachute. Huh...I figured it was going to hurt more than that. That didn't hurt at all.

Aw. I miss falling.

The view while parachuting was pretty amazing, but the sensation wasn't as relaxing as just falling. The instructor started yanking the handles to the sides, spinning us and dropping us a hundred feet or so.
"Do you like rollercoasters!?" he screamed.
"Yeeeup!"

So he continued to twist and dive us a couple more times.

I still couldn't believe how quiet everything was.

"See that over there!" he shouted at me.
"Yeah!?"
"That's the border of America and Mexico. Right now, you have the same view as a map!"

Huh. So that's what an international border looks like. It's strikingly similar to State border ;)

Pretty soon everything on the ground was getting very recognizable. For the first time in the whole experience it actually seemed like we were high up. I suppose because things started to look "real."

I was a little nervous during the landing, it seemed like we were comin' in hot. But he pulled back and slowed us down right before we touched down. Then we just kinda' skidded across the ground to a stop.

All of us gliding through the sky.

I attempted to make animated .GIFs of the following, but for some reason they wouldn't play correctly once uploaded to this site. And honestly, I'm not going to waste more than 15 minutes trying to figure out why a mid-90's web-sensation gimmick won't work on my blog.

(click here for soundtrack to following pictures)

Jeff touched down first.

Notice the lack of helmet...they aren't known to help to much when you fall from 13,000 ft.

Steve, and what was left of his ripped pants.

Note that Steve landed before I did, yet left the plane after me. We didn't land in the order we left the plane, I'm assuming it was a combination of our aerodynamics and amount of time gliding/diving with the parachutes.

Chris. (His instructor has sweet flames on his suit)

Zak.

Myself. (My instructor had sweet dreads)

Sarah.

Valerie.

Adventure Club.
(Don't fahget yaaaa' hahness!)

A couple more of these bad boys and I can dive alone!

Q. "So was skydiving scary?"

A. No.
To me the only description that seems fitting, is "zen-like." The quietness of it, the gorgeous landscape, the feeling of weightlessness, and the warm breeze combined to make what was one of the most relaxing, meditiation-esque, experiences I've ever had. There wasn't once a single negative thought resembling "what if something goes wrong." I was so taken in by the experience that by the time I would have be able to have those thoughts, I was already gliding to the ground with the parachute.
I think the only potentially scary part, for the majority of people, would be when you're about to jump out of the plane. But there's so much going on at that point, that even if you were concerned about it, you're probably being distracted by everything else going on. Plus, the ground is so far away that it doesn't really register as a real distance- to me it was much like looking out the window of a commercial plane.

I would do it again in a heartbeat. I'm sure I will too, just to try it in different locations with different landscapes.

This is something I honestly recommend to anyone who is reading this. The whole experience was the exact opposite of scary.

September 29, 2008
----------------------------

A week after skydiving the Adventure Club was frothing at the mouth for another experience. Either that, or because we had somehow acquired a form of human rabies.
Jeff had came across some information of a bridge to hike to, Northeast of LA, that you can bungee jump off of.
Once learning it was in fact named the "Bridge to Nowhere," we were pretty much sold on the whole idea.

I'll let the rest tell the story for me...

Derek.

Valerie.

Steve.

Chris.

Jeff.

Palmer.

A vague recollection of what happened:
The hike to the bridge was beautiful, albeit...4 miles (each way) on a very cold day. When we had arrived we all naturally went to look over the ledge. Much like with skydiving, it was a far enough distance down that it seemed almost two-dimensional to me. A mere matte painting of a rocky river.
There was a lot of waiting around. I suppose this could potentially psyche someone out alone, yet then again maybe watching everyone do it makes it seem easier? Either way I don't remember my attitude changing in any direction, I felt excited and not the least bit of hesitation.

(Although the videos were cut together as one jump each, those were actually combined angles from two separate jumps. We all had done one jump facing forward, and one falling backwards.)

Cut to- putting on the harness and stepping out onto the platform.

This was quite a bit different from skydiving as well. Instead of being at the mercy of someone strapped to your back shoving you out of a plane, this was solely done on your own terms. No doubt in my mind that if given enough time on the platform to assess what you're about to do, you'd have a MUCH harder time carrying through with it.
I glanced down a couple times, but had already seen this view ad nauseum while hanging out on the bridge for a few hours. What happened next is a blurred memory. Not because of the time that has lapsed since I did it, it was a blurred memory immediately after I had done it. This effect on the brain's memory, where events are intentionally forgotten or "blurrey", is called trauma. Skydiving's trauma (for me) was ONLY the initial jump out of the plane. Bungee jumping's trauma (for me) was the whole jump, including everything until I was back on the bridge standing on my feet.
I remember looking at the cliff across from me while counting down. I remember pushing off with my legs. I remember soaring out towards the cliff, stomach flat to the ground below me. I remember seeing the plants on the cliff, a vivid green. Feeling like eventually I would be able to touch them. I remember suddenly dropping. As if someone hit me with a broom mid-flight, causing me to hurtle towards the ground. I remember the wind being knocked out of me. And the strongest of all these memories- I remember seeing an enormous rock below me accelerating towards my face.
The ONLY other memory I have, was after I had bounced back up (after the first drop). Upon peaking out on my acent, I remember thinking, "Wow. That was crazy." Completely forgetting that I was going to be dropping again.

That drop scared the shit out of me.

This was NOTHING like skydiving.

As I've already said, all the bouncing around, all the swinging, attaching the winch-line to my harness and getting pulled back up. Climbing back onto the bridge. Those are all fragments of memory at best.

The second jump, falling backwards, I remember even less of. I just remember that the short minute inbetween the two jumps I was contemplating if I really wanted to do that again. I felt that it was fun, really fun, but I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to jump again...knowing the sensation it was going to cause.
I couldn't quite place my finger on what my hesitation was, until I had thought long and hard about it on the hike back.
It took a long time to figure it out. I LIKE the sensation of gut-dropping free-fall. I LIKE the rush of doing potentially dangerous things. It was similar to skydiving, in that there was the feeling of weightlessness on and around my body, which I LOVE.

I wasn't afraid the chord wasn't going to catch. I wasn't afraid I was going to die. And I'm certainly not afraid of heights.

For a while I thought maybe it was because I could make out the ground. It was real. Exactly like towards the end of the skydive when our parachute brought us closer to the ground. Maybe I was uncomfortable because I actually knew I was falling towards a tangibal surface.
But still...I also knew I wasn't afraid of hitting that surface.

It finally dawned on me that it was the up-ward motion of the bungee chord. The feeling of helplessness that it induces. When you snap back up it slows way down, to a point where you are extremely aware that you are in mid-air, but you have nothing to hold or grab onto. There is no force pushing against, or pulling on, your body.
Why would that be any different from the skydive free-fall though?
Because I was dis-oriented.

During skydiving you are looking around you. You know where you are. You have plenty of time to assess the situation and take it all in.
Bungee (the chord) is so sporatic that you rarley know what's going to happen at any given moment. Your body just feels like a ragdoll being tossed around.

Bungee jumping is NOT something I would recommend to everyone. It is NOT relaxing. It is NOT "zen-like" in any sense. It's the type of thing you should do if you enjoy rollercoasters, haunted houses, and experimenting with drugs.

(I really want to emphasize that skydiving is not remotely scary in any sense. There's not even a gut-dropping moment because you are jumping out of a moving object, you are moving sideways at the same speed as the plane for quite a few moments, then slowly arching downwards.)

Without continuing to repeat myself, that's pretty much all I have to say on the experience. With that said, here are some bad-ass photos Don took, as well as a Bonus Feature bungee outtake video.

Outtakes.

October 12, 2008
-----------------------

Running out of ideas of how to stare death in the face, while fist-fucking his mom, we decided to just go to Sea World.
As usual, we probably shouldn't be allowed to hang out together in public.

Not only did we defile Sea World single-handily on our own.

Valerie's friends insisted on turning every trick-or-treat aspect of the Halloween decorate amusement park, into a world of sexual innuendos.

My favorite of which would be the "fruity cum-shot in your mouth" candy.

The only thing I really have to say about Sea World is that the whole park itself is a whale-sized disappointment.

BUT

The dolphin and orca whale shows were insanely awesome.

I'm not sure how that averages together.

It was crazy to see how high the dolphins could jump. And how fast they swim when they really want to get going (not the leisurely swim you usually see on National Geographic). Especially considering they are about the size of a human.
It really makes me want to get one for a pet.

As far as the orcas go. Wow.

WOW.

Before the show we walked over to their individual holding "tanks." The whales were floating with their noses peaking above the surface, and the rest of their body diagonally dropping downwards, which they were being sprayed with warm water.
It was insane to see the whale just sitting still. They were enormous. If I EVER see one when I'm in the water I will shit my pants (or wetsuit, depending on the situation). There is NO reason any living thing should be that big. Let alone, in the water where it has a billion times more control than I do.
They were just....gigantic.

It blew my mind.

For the show we sat front row (pretty much alone because it was a cold day and no one wanted to get wet). You could see the whales switching out in-between tricks (yes...there's more than one) by jetting out of these tunnels built into the bottom of the gi-normous water tank.
They would come hauling-ass out of these tunnels at what looked to be about 40 mph, the shear mass of them causing waves...even when they were 60 ft. deep!

There was one point where the whale came up under a trainers feet, breached into the air with her standing on it's nose, then dove back down with her laying stiff out in front of it. It swam underwater at top speed, her feet still being pushed by it's nose, and then rocketed her upwards back out of the water into the air.

I have no idea how you train something that large. And I certainly have no idea how you train something that large to do THAT trick. It is beyond me.

All I know is...I want that job now.

Save The San Acitos Dirt Shrew

2008-10-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

The endangered Dirt Shrew.

We, nature's soldiers, will fight until it's off the endangered list.

September 2nd - October 17th
-------------------------------------
As usual I can't really delve into the specifics of the following. But know this fellow readers! Know this. It involved a very large house and southern California.

The house in fact, is on the market for a cool $15,000,000.00. Though with today's economic and foreclosure issues, I'm sure you could haggle it to a mere eleven mil.

One of many hallways.

The main living room.

I can't remember how many tv's and bars we counted between the main house and the guest house, but I think both of them exceeded 20.

The house had many unusually large doors.

The outside bar/common area.

If you turned around completely, you would see this. (The house stretches from behind this view to the portion that can be seen in the back left of this picture. It could comfortably live 10 people, each with their own bedroom. The guest house itself is also the size of a typical Los Angeles house.)

The pool doesn't have stairs. It has a walk-in "beach."

There's a grotto placed under most waterfalls.

All of the house lights, thermostat, security, pool temperature, and hot tub controls are on a hand held touch-screen remote.

The Man. The Legend. The...Baduchi.

Strike a pose.

A back-lit "bagel."

The audio team, as usual, keeps up with the latest trends. It's the look that says, "I roll my own," as well as, "Chest hair is back in."

Note that the grip's arm is the size of the camera-man's leg.

Tony's 11 o' clock shadow.

Nothing like a first shoot day spent subjecting the equipment to a dusty field of dirt.

If you see this man, run.

"Drunky McSticks."

Ram Board.

It was the only way we could get him to stay with his camera.

That's how they roll in Vegas. (Top feeders)

Keep him away from your kids.

Baby Brooke wants his vod-kaah.

I didn't realize how much many apple boxes and wedges were leveling that track until just now. Goddamn...

The only man I know that could probably beat a grizzly in a wrestling match.

Oh my.

Mo. Watering the ol' tripod.

"Where is John Connor."

"Eh. It'll probably hold."

Mad Dog with the mean over-under.

Nice hat.

Nicer hat.

Saturday! Saturday!

Bet ya' $10 you can't guess what's in her fanny-pack to support her camera when she's side-shooting.

Team huddle.

Two EXTREMELY suspect men, on the loose.

I like the cut of this man's jib. (Safety first?)

"Do you have any idea how many babies I could fit onto this thing!?"

Surprisingly, he doesn't work there. He's with us.

What's the pran again? I forget.

Ugh. The sun is so goddamn bright. Why couldn't we shoot this in my cave.

He's commin' for YOU.

"Guys. Don't eat the corn dogs."

At this point you're probably thinking, "Man, these guys look like they're always working so hard. Do they ever have time to kick back and have fun?"
Well my friend. I'll let you decide...

A clean tech team is a happy tech team. (a.k.a. "Cleanliness is next to Godliness")

The face of innocence.

L.A.P.D. have a similar photo.

"The Flying Squirrel."

Ammrrrcccaaaaa! (Raise that flag.)

I have no idea when or why this took place. My best guess is they decided to play on a day off.

There's a reason they call him "Secret Haircut" Wayne. (Hint: it's under that hat)

Miss Abbie, and what looks to be the best slice of pizza I've ever seen.

I can't tell if that's a, "What!? We didn't do it!" look. Or a, "We're going to kill you in your sleep" look.
Either way, we should all be afraid.

"Drunky Brewster" shows off the moves.

WipEout HD. Now on PS3.

"I can't...get...this...jar open!"

Seriously. Whose are they.

Grip truck.

The Crafty Crew! Represent!
(judging by the gloves they also run with the Proctologist Crew.)

Coincidentally, he's setting up antenna's to boost the cell phone strength in the area.

Wups. Well...at least she got a sweet belt buckle out of it...

"I. HATE. Snakes!"

Hooray!...?

Earning the nickname ;)

Oh god. That would be "Man"drew.

a.k.a. "Sasquatch"

'hits the jukebox' "EEEEeeeeeyyyyy!"

It's a work-force program we participate in. Not only do we give these "gifted" people jobs, we also get a great tax break.

Case in point.

"What!? We're not stealing anything!"

"I think the clown convention is in that building."

"Did anyone else just see a clown walk by?"

Old Man John says, "Get off my lawn! Ya' damn whippersnappers..."

Steve, spending a suspicious amount of time with the audio crew. While Dan...is just suspicious.

Oh god! He broke out of his cage!

Don't mess with these guys. They'll FUCK your shit up.

Hi!

There's a lot of wood going on in this picture. As well as not in this picture.

I promise you will never get a picture of them standing.

"Yyyeahhhh. I just picked this one up at the Getty. It's pretty sweet."

Ah the "starmaker." I'm pretty sure it says something in the owner's manual about idling the engine in enclosed spaces, but whatever. It's not like that's ever killed anybody.

Oh what? Now you're wondering if we ever do anything outside of work? Pffff. You don't even know GIRL. You don't even KNOW.

We go on super-scary haunted hay rides.

We talk about life, while the ocean waves gently carress our naked feet.

We eat bacon filled pancakes topped with bacon...

...and enormous slices of pizza.

Oh! Speaking of food...

...may I introduce you to my friend, the 12-egg omlette.

It's filled with mushrooms, beans and cheese...topped with a red sauce and more melted cheese...and served with a side of 2 enormouse biscuits...and 3 potatoes worth of hash browns.
Oh. And a side of water. I guess.

"Oh wow. There's....there's a lot of mushrooms in this. ...Yup. Definitely still don't like mushrooms."

"I'm-a gonna' eat-chyou biscuit!"

"Ok. I'm starting to feel a lot of pain. Most in the abdominal area. ...Ugh. I think I just felt something rupture."

I only made it about half-way through the meal. But ya' know what. I'm ok with that.
Especially since we were going skydiving right after. (details to follow, in the next post)

Sometimes we dress up super fancy.

Watch out ladies...

...here we come!

Ok...so maybe it didn't get us the ladies.

But at least Plamer still loved us.

Yup. There were a lot of magical memories from that show.

'Sigh'

Until we meet again friends...until we meet. Again.

(click here for end credit music)

Pictures were taken on location by John M.

Tonight it's very clear
As we're both lying here
There's so many things I wanna say
I will always love you
I will never leave you alone

Sometimes I just forget, say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you crying
I don't wanna lose you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of
Gonna live forever knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love

You keep me standing tall
You'll help me through it all
I'm always strong when you're beside me
I have always needed you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of
Gonna live forever knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love

Just like a knight in shining armor
From a long time ago
Just in time I'll save the day
Take you to my castle far away

The End.

Human Anatomy

2008-09-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered why our nose is right above our mouth? I mean, it seems to me that the most practical place for it to be would be on the back of our head. Think of all the benefits it could have:

-You could lay directly face down or up on a pillow, and still be able to breathe.
-If you sneezed it wouldn't go into your mouth.
-If someone tried to suffocate you, it would take two hands.
-Talking with someone who has bad breathe would have no effect on you.

That's pretty much all I came up with for now. But I think you may already understand the true benefits it may offer.
Perhaps someday evolution will see this comes true.

August 29th - September 2nd
----------------------------------------

My parents decided to come visit, thus marking the first time any family has visited me since I've moved out to L.A. three years ago.
I'm pretty sure that sounds really sad. Because I'm pretty sure it is.

Amongst the planned activities were: hiking in the hills of Malibu and Hollywood, visiting Venice Beach for breakfast, shopping in the downtown Fashion District, pool-side BBQing, an inaugural trip to Ikea, horse-back riding, a two-day trip to Joshua Tree, eating authentic Mexican food, and seeing Wall-E and Dark Knight at Universal Studios.

Unfortunately, due to all the excitement, my camera was hardly used to mark this event. In fact, the only thing that was photographed was a lovely horse-ride amongst the hills of Griffith Park (right across the street from me).
I know! Somehow we even neglected to take pictures of our amazing trip to Joshua Tree.

I use the phrase "amazing" very loosely.

Without further a-do! I present to you: A Horse Ride.

After being assigned our novice-level (i.e. obese) horses, our Mexican cowboy amigo (i.e. friend) helped us saddle up for what was sure to be a riveting experience.

Our ride began by crossing the treacherous river of Los Angeles (as seen in Terminator 2).

And then slowly winding up the hills of Griffith Park.

You know the Hollywood sign? Basically on the other side of that.

The excitement was hard to bear.

By high noon we were finally reaching the top of the hills.

The view was stunning, to say the least.

It's not often you get to view one of the world's largest cities on horse-back.

And that...is it.

File--> Automate--> Photomerge...

2008-09-05T14:06:00.000-07:00

Friendly reminder: If you click on a picture it will open a page with the full size view of it.

August 25th - 27th
-------------------------

As August was coming to an end it only seemed appropriate to make a last attempt at a "summer" camping trip.

So we saddled up.

Packed the car until it was uncomfortably full.

Cranked up the AC.

And hit the dusty trail.

Four hours later we had arrived to the Sequoia National Park.

Home of Mount Whitney.

The highest summit in the contiguous United States.

With an elevation of 4,421 m (14,505 ft.) above sea level.

Also home of the Sequoiadendron giganteum...

...or, Giant Sequoia. (Commonly referred to as "redwoods")

The largest trees in the world, by volume, they grow to be on average 50-85 m (165-280 ft.) tall and 6-8 m (18-24 ft.) in diameter.

After making camp at ol' site #142...

...we stored our food in "bear-safe" cabinets and hunkered down for a rousing game of Monopoly.

Followed by stories of eerie nature by campfire.

And by stick, cooked delicious treats consisting of compacted graham squares, covered with a melted cocoa bean extract, and topped by an oozing gelatin and dextrose concoction.

The stars shone bright that night. Old Father Moon Beam was smiling down on us.

We awoke the next day, bright eyed and bushy tailed. It was time to explore the forest of giants.
Well...Giant Forest if you want to get technical.

After meticulously planning our hike (glancing at a map for less than 2 seconds)...

...we began our journey into the woods.

With the foot-paths barely marked, it was up to me and my expert tracking skills to lead group.

I knew we were heading south...because I could see the moss on all the trees I was taking pictures of.

Expert.

Fact.

True story.

Sooooo much wood!!!

That's what she said.

We hiked along.

Mere midgets standing in the shadows of nature's titans.

At first the trees were so...mammoth...they almost seemed fake. Yet after being around them long enough, it was hard to imagine the size of normal trees.

Fuckin' hippies.

Along our hike we even got a glimpse of a fully matured Dirt Shrew popping it's head out from it's burrow.

Ex. A: The endangered Dirt Shrew (baby).

Hiking further into the forest we were witness to Smokey the Bear's public enemy #1.

Forest fire.

Chris' eyes began to water. Then, sobbing, he began to tremble so hard that he knocked over the very tree he was leaning against.

Smokey the Bear has a new enemy.

The trunk of the tree was blocking our path.

So with hatchet in hand, and coonskin on head, we pioneered our way through it.

Only to discover a beauuuutiful oasis.

We then took turns to fill our humps with water.

It was then that I had spotted the once-thought-extinct Blue Giant Jay Cardinal Hawk.
Bigger than a man's head, he swooped down and landed on a nearby branch. He then began bobbing his head towards the West of us, as if trying to tell us something.

Over in the distance we spotted a glow. A holy glow.

It must be a sign.

After hiking hundreds of miles. Braving the harshest of elements. And facing nature's most fearsome creatures. We had finally reached the pinnacle of human existence.
We had laid eyes upon THE General Sherman.

The LARGEST tree in the WORLD. By volume.

There it stood.
83.8 m (275 ft.) tall.
31.3 m (102.6 ft.) around.
2,700 years old.

All 1487 cubic meters of it.

The next day...

When we woke up we decided to explore some more of the forest around our campsite.

Following a nearby creek upstream we came to this rocky oasis.

Complete with super-awesome waterfall.

Now with MORE water!

The source of the stream feeding the falls was most likely melting snow from the mountain peaks above.

Because it hadn't rained in weeks, and the water's temperature was 0 degrees Celsius at most.

The water filled tiny pools formed in the rock...

...forming one thin stream to produce the falls...

...which then ended in this large pool...of very very cold water.

Somewhat...slimy...greenish...very very cold water.

Watching as people could hardly bear sticking their feet in the water, due to it's icy cold temperatures, it seemed only natural to plunge my body in it.

While nearly blacking out from the sudden temperature change, I experienced what was quite possibly the closest I've come to a heart attack.

Quickly my body became numb. Euphoria set in.

Shrinkage was at a maximum.

Much like swimming in the ocean, after a minute of being fully submerged it didn't hurt at all to have my legs in.

Ahhhh. Fresh mountain air. Fresh mountain water. Fresh Mountain...sun.

Nature's paradise was all ours.

Once boredom set in at the pool, we decided to make our best efforts at being a human damn.

Laying down across the thin stream of water that fed the waterfall, we successfully defeated nature. Once again.

A video documentation of our Man vs. Nature victory.

Looking around for further ideas...

It had seemed we'd sufficiently maximized the amount of fun that could be extracted from this area.

Taking another moment to relax...

...and sunbathe...

...it was time to move on.

We followed the water further upstream.

Weaving through patches of more forest.

With my expert tracking skills once again honed in on spotting "tracking" moss, getting lost was not an option.

Until we got lost. Then. It was our only option.

For the trees had run out of moss!

We continued to follow the stream.

Nature's rocky playground gift to us.

We kept walking...

...and walking...

...and walking.

Hobbling along, it was only a matter of time before a bear confused us with injured animals.

Nature. Was starting to seem less exciting.

Even super pretty yellow flower nature.

"Let's head back home," Valerie yawned.

And back home we went.

The next day...

We woke up and cooked delicious campfire bacon. Complimented by chorizo that was extremely cooked on the outside, and extremely UNDER-cooked on the inside.

We were then eaten by bears.

The end.
_______________________

This post is dedicated to Photoshop's "Photomerge."

To dry age or wet age. That is the question.

2008-09-04T22:23:00.000-07:00

I'm slowly coming to terms that wet aged beef may be comparable to dry aged. I'm excited to see what my thoughts on it will be- right before I die. Perhaps I'll have my decision engraved on my tombstone.

Sometime in mid-August...I think
----------------------------------------------

Because the vote between having the 48-Hour BBQ in NY or LA was so close, I decided to do one in both cities.
The following is a vague recounting of LA's.

Steve and I had set up during the evening. The goal was to finish the 48th hour during an evening, as opposed to it's usual sunrise.

Valerie was in charge of decorations.

So she brought us pirate hats and swords.

I bought a pirate flag while we were on Catalina...

...so we hoisted it on the flagpole outside of our apartment.

It would be sure to keep rival pirate apartments away from our seas.

It would also serve as a guide to any lost souls in search of bbq.

We played video games and watched movies into the night. The next morning promised a beautiful day.

A beautiful day to cook meat.

The pirate flag was at full mast.

We fired up some fresh coals for breakfast, on the grill of 1,000 seared animals.

Steve treated us to his famous "one-eyed jacks."

There's nothing quite like the smell of fresh, crisp morning air and the sizzle of food on a grill.

And mimosa's!!! Ah yes, nothing compliments a cheap jug of orange juice like a cheap bottle of champagne!

The flag waved in the wind as the morning matured into full-on day.

Chris came over on his porpoise. With gas prices the way they are it's really just more economical to travel by sea mammal.

We ran in circles in the pool to see if we could create a whirlpool.

It sucked me in. I partook in creating that which would almost result in my own watery demise.

The next few hours were spent trying to see who could wrangle the porpoise and last the longest on top of it.

Seriously. Hours.

Pirate Valerie. 'insert predictable "booty" joke'

At one point it seemed like a good idea to throw 3 lawn chairs in the pool, let all the air out of ourselves to sink to the bottom, and then conduct underwater meetings in our chairs.
Many taboo, almost...racey, topics were discussed. All-in-all it was very productive.

The sky was starting to get dark. Nighttime was upon us.

It was this night that Don showed up with his grill, which he had modified to work as a make-shift smoker. He then proceeded to smoke a shoulder of pork- late into the night. It was awesome.

The next morning looked to be another glorious day.

We soon decided to hold some more underwater meetings. While underwater it was noticed that there was an enormous, dead, black spider on one of the chairs. We hoisted it up out of the water and with a piece of paper scraped it onto the cement. At that point realizing it had a very bright red hourglass shape on it's stomach.

We had discovered a dead black widow.

I had seen a few of these before, since I've moved to LA, but it's still strange to me when I find them. I suppose it's because when I was a kid I was extremely interested in venomous creatures, one of which was the black widow. But I was always in the mindset that the only one of which was any danger, in NY, was the rattlesnake. Black widows, scorpions, etc. Those were all creatures of a different land.

So. With that said. We had discovered a dead black widow.

The thing about it was. It wasn't dead. Apparently they can sit in a pool all night and still live after a few minutes of being out of the water?

Until I stepped on it.

What happened next was something discussed to much extent during our underwater meetings.

We would have a treasure hunt. Underwater.

Gold doubloons would be scattered throughout the pool, amongst a wreckage of plastic lawn furniture, and the person to retrieve the most gold coin would win the challenge.

The race was on.

Our individual piles of gold shimmered in the high-noon sun.

I forget who the winner was...but I remember that it was really really close between all of us. Perhaps we were all winners...

Or losers. I guess it depends on how you look at it...

Chris was getting verrrrrrrrry sleepy.

But nothing wakes Chris up like some fresh grilled corn!

As the day moved on we had progressed into a back-to-back-to-back viewing of all three "Back to the Future"s, edited together so that they would play as one solid movie.

Then we followed it with a nighttime underwater doubloon scavenger hunt by glow stick.

The 48-Hour BBQ was a 54-Hour success.

The best cruise is a Juan Cruise.

2008-09-03T18:36:00.000-07:00

Juan Cruise was a page boy we "met" while waiting in line for the "Price is Right."

Before you read this blog, you need to watch this video. Ya' know. To get ya' in the mood.

While working in Utah...I mean...trying to escape the clutches of the evil Zak, I was spending some spare time taking an online SCUBA certification course.

I passed the course. It was a real pain in the ass trying to download all that water.

Just kidding. I passed the classroom oriented stuff online, but I still had to complete pool training and open water dives.
The pool training was fun, I spent 8 hours watching idiots trying to apply what they learned from the books. It's funny. You'd think people would take a little more time studying the material. Ya' know. Considering it's generally a manual on how not to die when you're 75 ft. under water.

The weekend after, our class would go to Catalina island and spend two days diving to complete our open water portion of the certification.

July 27th & 28th
----------------------

We took the "Catalina Express" to the island. It's a super sonic boat built using state of the art engineering. It even has a tv in it.

Valerie is super excited. I told her we were getting picked up by the hotel limo.

You may remember our previous camping trip to the island with Marnie. The majority of the island is extremely protected land, hardly none of which can be built on. Low and behold, the town of Avalon is the life of the party.

The thing about it is...everyone drives golf carts in Avalon, very few people can get a permit have a car.

I present to you! Our limo!

Um. It's basically a tiny pickup truck fitted with two wooden benches and a steel pipe roll cage.

Avalon's town central. Oh the hussle and bussel! So easily mistaken for Times Square.

This would be Chris. One of four of us to enjoy our lovely honeymoon suite.

What's that you say? What's on that window? Let me translate it for you.

All I can say is...four people. One room. You do the math.

Our lovely balcony, featuring a front row view of the jacuzzi (wooden structure in bottom right). Oh. And I guess the ocean is right there. And some palm trees. Meh.

Although it's an island. Floating in the middle of the ocean. 37 miles from the Los Angeles shore. You still get full cell reception. (I get more bars there than in my apartment)

So a "No Technology" ban was put into effect. It was time to enjoy TRUE nature.

And nature has yet to offer anything more beautiful than Kenny Loggins.

Avalon's harbor. You may recognize the circular building in the background, it's the semi-famous Casino Point. As seen in the end of the movie "Stepbrothers."
The Catalina wine mixer. "The fucking Catalina wine mixer."

(Coincidentally we went to see that movie the night we left the island...it was like it followed us.)

Boats.

N' hoes! Boats n' hoes! Gotta get me my boats n' hoes!

How looooovely.

This is the Catalina Dive Park.

I mean. It doesn't look like much of a park. But when you get underwater it's a lot more impressive. Apparently considered one of the world's finest places to be under the water.

IN FACT! Jacque Cousteau has a memorial plaque at the bottom, since this was one of his favorite places to dive.

That's a picture of me. Except...I'm about 60 ft. down.

Ah, there we are. Topside with all ye land-lovers.

By the end of the weekend I had done 6 dives, three each day. Everything went really well, I could definitely tell it would be a new addiction. Well. There was one incident that didn't go too well.
I was about 60 ft. deep. Chris and I had started at around 30 ft. but made our way gradually down a slope until it reached a drop-off. We swam a little past the drop-off so the only thing you could see in front of you, or to either side, was complete blue. We stood there for a couple seconds to take it all in. I'd imagine it must be similar to be floating in space.
A huge school of fish came swimming out from one side, and the cloud of silvery fins eventually settled a ways out in front of us. Our air was getting pretty low, and Chris began to turn around to swim away. Just as I turned to follow, I noticed the school of fish disappeared very suddenly. The kind of sudden that would have you assume they were scared.
I noticed a dark mass starting to form against the blue wall in front of me, slowly getting bigger and bigger. I turned to see if Chris was watching it, but he had already begun to swim away. I knocked on my tank a few times, but it didn't catch his attention. Almost afraid to turn around, my curiosity got the better of me. So I turned back around.
A fish the size of a VW Bug was about 60 ft. away from me. And to make sure we're crystal clear, I don't like when anything bigger than 2 feet is swimming within 60 ft. of me. I turned back towards Chris, swam as fast as I could, grabbed his fin and yanked him around.
He stared at me.
I looked back to the fish...it was gone.

After we had surfaced I told him the story as we waded back to shore. The divers who were more familiar with the area informed me that I had likely seen one of two local black sea bass. And that apparently they are super curious, typically following divers around all the time. And that they are so friendly, in fact, that it is illegal to spear hunt them because it's too easy (and they are endangered).
That would have been nice to know BEFORE I almost had a large fish induced underwater heart attack.

This is a picture of a black sea bass taken off of Catalina Island.

I'm pretty sure I saw the grandfather of this one.

August 7th
---------------

A week later Chris and I decided to do a shore dive at Malaga Cove.

We had booked lanes 4 and 5.

JuST KidDiNg! We went in the oceannnnn!

The visibility was really poor. So we didn't see too much. Then we went back home.

August 20
---------------

Chris and I had charted a dive boat. The "Spectre." Ooooo. Creepy! Actually, it was the only one that had a hot tub on it...
It was a sleep-over dive boat, so...if you can't figure that one out, we slept on the boat the night before the dive.

I was bunk 1J2!!!

Say hello 1J2!

A true pinnacle of comfort when it comes to aquatic-based self-induced unconscious body supports.

The boat was docked near Santa Barbara, so we drove up there in the evening. We grabbed some food, and then just hung out on the boat. No one else really chose to sleep there, so Chris and I had the deck to ourselves. The restaurants and bars lined the harbor in a way that they echoed very clearly. So we sat in plastic lawn chairs, on the top deck of the boat, and listened to a guy who was playing guitar on top of a bar (outside roof patio thingy).
It was really awful, but like, so awful it was awesome. He was playing all covers, but could never play more than the first 20 seconds of any song. He would then try to make an excuse, like start laughing at something someone shouted at him, or telling a really lame joke.
The pinnacle of his set was when he covered "I kissed a girl and I liked it."

A bold song to play with an acoustic guitar.

The next morning we prepared our gear and waited for the other divers to show up.

Is that two grills you see on the boat? YEEEUP!
Lunch was included with the price of the trip. Nothin' like an ol' boat-on-ocean BBQ.

This is quite possibly the smallest boat in the world, that also has a spoiler.

This fishing boat was docked next to our dive boat.

I'm pretty sure Stikine is pronounced, "stinkin'."

I can't imagine being a fisherman. That's either got to be a really fun job...or really awful. I'm pretty sure the latter of the two.

Chris bought an underwater housing for his camera, so we actually have something to show for on this dive trip. For example: those are my feet.

I was going to type the rest of this like I was talking through a regulator, but it doesn't really come out readable.

We would have 3 dives today, all of which would be off the island of Anacapa. (It's a smaller island next to Santa Cruz)

Our first dive was similar to that of Catalina's. I suppose it would be considered a "kelp forest" type of dive.

It sounds kind of scary, because like "what if you get tangled." But really it's not that bad, you just have to be careful not to struggle. It's really surreal swimming through all the tall stalks of it. Or when you're way down and look up, and just see the sun shining through the water, and kelp pillars reaching up to the surface.

At first watching this little bugger glide at me was kinda freaky. Not in the sense that it was going to hurt me, but moreso that it really made me feel out of my element. It was like floating in the sky and watching a bird slowly fly by you.

It was pretty amazing how quickly they swam, and also how graceful they were. It was nothing like seeing one in an aquarium. It was so relaxing to just float there and watch it glide by, with no noise around me or people to bother me.

Because it was an overcast morning, this is what it looked like if you looked up.

California diving isn't very tropical, but it's still damn fun. Now that it's what I've learned with I'm sure I'll probably always like it the best.

Mr. "I'm too good to pee in my wetsuit." (Chris)

Kelp!

God Chris, stop breathing so much.

Don't mess with this nasty motha' WATCH YO' MOUTH!

MySpace SCUBA picture!!!

We should have held it a little more above our heads...

Looking up again, at only like...25 ft.

Fishies!

Big fishy!

Aw, don't hide Mr. Sheephead!

A sea cucumber. If you've seen the "Jackass" movie then you know what these are capable of.

It's hard to make a silly face when you have hoses in your mouth.

That's what she said?

Another fish.

Kelp.

Ah the Garibaldi. California's marine state fish. Not only is it pretty, but it can also change it's sex multiple times throughout it's life. So it might be a pretty guy. It might be a pretty girl. Ey, ya' neva' know.
Kinda like in Hollywood...

Oh! Hello there Mr. Sheephead! I see you're back again!

This one was a very curious one, as he seemed to keep following us.

After about 5 minutes it was clear he was our new underwater BFF.

When they open their mouths you can see that they have teeth like sheep. It's kinda weird. (Google "sheephead" and you'll see right off the bat what I mean)

Mmmmm. Dinner.

No you jerk! That was my lobster! (Sheepheads eat crustaceans. Cause they're big jerks.)

Ugh! You look so retarded! I just want to slap your head against a dock and end it.

Me. Mono e mono with the Jerkhead.

I won. Because I have people teeth.

Fish.

Kelp.

Fish.

Fish...and kelp.

Our second dive spot was a place called...something...trenches.

They should have called it, "place with a ton of fucking urchins."

And some sand.

So yeah, it was like flying over a valley of urchin forests.

Or. Something.

I wonder if this one is a guy or a girl.

Hm. Don't sink! (Ow...that would suck so bad)

That's me, gliding graefully like a swan!

Chris doesn't swim underwater. He runs.

I think Chris is trying to say something about grabbing someone's nuts. I dunno.

Hahaha...he's magic handing.

Me, swimming through the trenches.

Like a stealth bomber. Silent. Deadly. BLACK.

It was fun to swim around in these. I felt like if a giant whale tried to attack me I'd be safe in here.

Our third, and final, dive was at a place called thhhheee seeecccreeettttt iiiiisllllllannnnd!!!

It was like a tiny volcano in the middle of nowhere, with tons of stuff growing on it.

We swam around, and over, the whole thing in about 5 minutes and there wasn't too much to see as far as...things that were alive.

So Chris fashion a hat out of this shell.

Took a couple more pictures of starfish (there were a few big ones).

A voyeuristic shot of this urchin, doing naughty things.

And then it was decided that we should spend the rest of our time dicking around at 50 ft. below the surface. That's my, "I conquered this island" pose.

Chris was all, "YEah!"...with his thumbs up. Or maybe he wanted to surface? Hmmmmmm...

With about 20 minutes left of air, figured might as well take a nap.

Don't tell anyone, but Chris sucks his thumb.

Looks like the lobsters won that battle.

Huge starfish with omnious blue dots.

A fish eating a dead fish.

A weird orange thing, in the middle of lots of creepy looking finger things.

I should probably learn more about sea life.

Fish attack!

Chris saying, "Goddamnit Derek! Give me my camera back!"

So I did.

The end.

Death by Pop-Up Tent

2008-09-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

Mid-July
-------------

So after the Sis' wedding, Valerie and I flew to NYC to get our BBQ on.
(I held a voting contest (via the txt message) on where to have the annual 48-Hour BBQ and NYC beat out LA and Buffalo)

A few days before the main event, I gave Valerie a tour through her first time in NYC.

We took a trip to Central Park.

Valerie (Central Park), in what appears to be a structure left by an ancient civilization.

We even found a space ship in the middle of Manhattan, and for $8 it transported us to Mars. Which, to me, seems like a really good deal- seeing how high gas prices are getting.
So far Mars has a LOT of red rope lights, and an arcade...in which half the machines are broken. And every time someone...from Mars...greets you or asks you a question, they refer to you as "Earthling."

It's a little degrading.

Us in front of Ellis Island.

Apparently they just installed a statue there? I dunno. It wasn't there last time I saw it.

Oh boy! I've been to NYC a bunch of times, but man-o-man, New York City- now with Mario Lopez!!!

It's a good thing I didn't have khakis on, otherwise tourists probably would have mistaken me for him.

That's all I really had in terms of general city pictures. I was actually really sick and coughing uncontrollably the whole time the whole time so I was distracted from taking pictures (it turned out I had bronchitis).
Basically I showed Valerie all the places I love. So...like basically...Dinosaur BBQ...and Gray's Papaya.
She was pretty overwhelmed by all the people- I forgot that to someone who has never been there before, the subway alone is a pretty intimidating experience. Of course, the taxi drivers don't help either.

On to the main event!

July 12th & 13th
----------------------

The day of the big BBQ was finally upon us! (Adam's rooftop pre-BBQ)

We set up a shelter (it was pretty sunny out, so shade was key).

It was extremely windy out, so we roped (string-ed?) down one of the legs to a vent, and weighed down the center with a giant rock.

NYC rooftops are known for their luxurious rocks.

Just for safe measure we also weighed down two more legs with giant steel door and a cooler full of beer.

Cleanin' off the ol' meat heater.

Steve making sure cell phone reception is acceptable.

Eli...chewin' gum, kickin' ass and takin' names.

After a few hours of mingling I decided to construct a napkin airplane.

Using Eli's engineering skills...

...combined with my dexterous fingers...

...we created what could possibly be considered the worlds most perfect flying machine.

Behold.

Adam's rooftop used to have a beautiful unobstructed view of Manhattan. Then this monstrosity was erected.

Luckily the North side of the roof still has this view.

An important meating.

"Look!" said Emily, "it's beauuuuuutifulllllll!"

I don't know what the name of the building in the middle is, but considering it's colors I'm pretty sure it's safe to say it's the "Ummmarrraacah Building of Justice."
Slightly on-topic, Steve and I researched it and if you stacked another "Building of Justice" on top of itself, it'd still be a few hundred feet short of the Berj Dubai (which should be completely in exactly one year).

Night has fallen, but the meat heater still rages on.

Quietly through the night I sang Adam to sleep.

Lulling him with songs of love and bbq sauce and meat.

In the morning he woke up and said, "You're so fucking emo. I hate you."

We gathered a new round of provisions from the local grocery, hauling them with vigor to the rooftop.

Time to get our last 24 hours of meat on.

We had taken the tent down during the night, to be safe. Waking up early to re-erect it. (See the solid steel door? Seems like a pretty trusty weight huh?)

The BBQ meated onwards. Emily was in full relaxation mode.

Erect was in 84% relaxation mode. But hey, that's pretty good for Erik.

Locasio even showed up, with the gift of water. In the form of melon.

In the spirit of the event it seemed only fitting that it should be grilled.

And then plugged with explosives.

And then dropped a few stories onto cement.

...In retrospect I guess we could have just ate it.

High-noon was upon us, and I was anxious to break out a fish head I got a great deal on.

"Don't grill me!" he begged.

But I've never been one for negotiation.

Especailly when it's talking meat.

So he cooked, both on the grill and in the sun.

At one point, in a final act of desperation, he lunged at my throat.

At first he was no match for my man-spatula.

But after repeated attemps at my life there was only one way to end his reign of terror.

By throwing him.

Now even if the tiny bits of demon fish head were able to reform into one solid entity, we'd still be more than a rooftop's safety away from him.

To our surprise, his fishy bits oozed together forming the most evil creature known to this dimension.

Huh.

Everyone sat around lazily. The many hours of sunlight and lack of sleep was setting in.

Without any notice, or indication of faulty wiring, the tent blew over.

When I say this- I want you to picture sitting under a tent who's legs are attached to a pipe. A rock. A steel door. And a cooler. Then instantly, and I mean INSTANTLY, the tent is gone. Sunlight is just beaming down on you. Something seems strange because there wasn't sunlight a second ago. And now water is streaming towards your leg from a cooler that is broken in half.

Like the soldiers in Iwo Jima, we struggled against the wind to raise our patriotic the tent.

The tarp of the tent, a giant sail fighting against us, threatened to pull us all off the roof.

Finally we stripped the canvas from it...

...leaving it a naked twisted metal skeleton.

With it finally back on the rooftop, somewhat secure, it started to dawn on us how lucky we were that no one was hurt.

Steve reflected on his life choices, knowing that it could have been him ripped in half instead of the cooler.

It was also a wonder the whole tent didn't just blow off the rood, dragging along the enormous rock that was tied too it.

The white minivan below us will never know close it was to losing it's life this day.

Covered with the blood of many beers...

...we gathered together to disassemble the steel death trap.

Steve, the biggest help of all.

"I'm not sure I can return it to Walmart like this." mumbled emo Adam.

"Tell them the story." said Derek. "Tell them. OUR. Story."

Tears rolled down their faces.

After cleaning the mess left in the wake of terror...

...we were left, with no shelter, to bake in the sun.

Boredom began to set in.

I found a plank of wood, and decided to put good use to the empty beer bottles laying around us.

Sliding the bottle, parallel, under the wood- we tried to see how many times we could stand on it and spin around without falling off (using pure momentum).

Which lead to a different idea...

After discovering a simple tool, which was named the "wood-er and beer-crum" Derek turned and shouted, "Steve! You stand over there, and try to catch the bottle after I launch it!"

To Steve and Derek, this seemed a good idea.

Eventually leading to the discovery of the worlds first "beel." (Beer...wheel...)

"Let's see how long we can balance on this cheap glass bottle in our flip flops!"

Which in turn lead to two "beels," which would soon be known as a "bar." (Beer car)

And THAT, is the history of where bars came from.

The kind you drink in. Not...the lead kind....that...you hit people's knees with.

"What if..."

"We add more bottles!"

This looks like a safe. AND fun. Idea.

Easyyyyy does it....

Success! "I think we just invented...FUN."

"What if we use...MORE...bottles!"

This amazing idea CAN NOT fail.

Some finishing touches...

Testing them for "roll-asticity"...

...it seemed secure. And very. VERY. Safe.

Running at the plank of wood, at a moderate speed, we shall then jump on it!

And glide! Glide like the wind!

"Weeeeeeee! This is more fun than ANYTHING! EVER!"

"Will you fucking asshole please quiet the fuck down! You're fucking bottles are making a fuck-ton of fucking noise in my apartment that's right the fuck below you!

You stupid fucks."

The lady that lived downstairs did not share our enthusiasm.

It began to get dark. We were slowly running out of alcohol.

The city lights began to come to life, we were a mere 12 hours away from another successful 48-Hour BBQ.

Then we broke out the fireworks.

As everyone knows, nothing compliments fireworks like drinking and exhaustion due to lack of sleep.

Cut to...

The next morning.

Success.

Now time to get the FUCK out of Dodge.

You've been RIckRoll'd

2008-09-01T00:18:00.000-07:00

If you travel far enough West...

2008-08-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

...then you will have traveled East.

These pictures are of windmills that were constructed in the fields near my old home.
It's a strange sensation laying underneath them, as they creak on a windless night.

I miss the stars I left at home.

A Lesson In Sandwich Condiments

2008-08-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

Sandwich condiments, like many things in life, consist of:
1) Grabbing something from nature.
2) Smashing it up real good.
3) Putting it in a jar.

To make JAM you mash up BERRIES.

To make PEANUT BUTTER you mash up PEANUTS.

To make FLUFF you mash up...CIRCUS PEANUTS.

Fact.

Speaking of peanuts- the following is a pictorial pilgrimage, a visual voyage, a....tableau tour of my sister's wedding.
How is that related to peanuts? Well. Perhaps you should ask her.

Before you proceed, may I recommend a little Miyagi Michio ( http://www.last.fm/listen/artist/Michio%2BMiyagi/similarartists ) while you read...

Gather 'round young children. Let me tell you a tale of romance...

July 4th
"The Rehearsal"
--------------------

A tale of two love birds, preparing to unite in thoust holiest of matrimony.

Which began with a splendid rehearsal delightfully attended by beloved family and friends.

Very sharp dressed friends and family might I add.

Followed by a feast of onions in bloom.

Adults fiercely debated how many tracks of land their offspring were worth.

Merriment followed the grand meal.

Love was in the air. ...Um, pardon me sir, can you move over a touch?

Thank you, much better.

Love was in the air.

A grand display of fireworks were presented to the couple to-be.

For wedding, like fireworks, begin with a bang! Then fizzle, slowly becoming nothing but a strong stench of sulfur.

I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?

'clears throat'

July 5th
"This. Is not a test."
-----------------------

The big day had come!

The traditional anti-bacterial swabbing had begun! This, my children, is to prevent the wife from spreading disease to her new husband.

Her hair then thoroughly checked for lice, as to be sure not to contaminate their new house.

Maids of the bride prepare. Spending many hours shifting and lifting various body parts.

The bride is then strapped into a white undergarment, protecting her from further infection, spread of disease and insects.

It is then customary to throw the wedding dress at her. A good-luck brick is hidden inside.

After finding the brick, the bride must dance in circles with her arms high above her head while the brides maids spit on the dress for good luck.

The bride is now basting is much good luck.

Basting.

The bride must then face East, while her dress is nailed to the floor.

A ring of thorns is placed upon her leg.

While tiny spikes are driven into her ears.

Her parents come to bid her farewell.

She takes a deep breathe and closes her eyes.

Then recites the sacred chant, beckoning ghost of St. Peter Peg Leg.

For her soul now belongs to him.

Her body, now an empty capsule, is ready to be wed.

The family car is then pulled forward.

The bride is forced to stare at a horses ass for a minimum of eight and a half minutes.

The origin of this tradition now long forgotten.

Meanwhile, the villages most handsome men must escort guests to their seats.

Like clockwork, the moment the bride arrives the ghost of St. Peter Peg Leg sucks the soul out of the groom.

Still blinded from the horses ass, the bride's father assists her down the blood red aisle.

The two soul-less humans face each other, touching hands,...

...slowly the ghost of St. Peter Peg Leg materializes.

He then spits the soul of the woman, into the man. Then visa versa.

They then seal their heads together, so that their souls may not escape each other.

The deed has been done.

Thank you St. Peter Peg Leg.

Thank you.

Upon stepping outside, the bride and groom are then covered with soap, disinfecting the cooties from their mouths.

The bride's family then gives their car to the groom, a gift welcome into their family.

Where they must then stare at a horses ass for no less than eight and a half minutes. This time, as a husband and wife.

The bride then often takes pictures with the village's most handsome man...

...he presence is often requested to make every picture look it's very best.

Ah yes. Isn't he stunning.

This picture would have probably looked better if he had been in it.

Much better.

God...dam... Get the bubbles back out.

A mid-1980's rendition of the bride and groom.

The bride scavenges the forest for food. It appears her first meal to her husband will be a wild flower salad.

It appears everything has come...shall we say...FULL CIRCLE! Mwuh hahaha! 'slaps knee'

-No Comment-

Every girl there dreamed of what her wedding would be like. Every guy there dreamed about getting out of his suit and having a beer.

On the road, like Kerouac.

After piling into a extremely long motor-carriage...

...the fanciful guests arrived...

...to a secret location.

Where they were greeted by beautiful girls!

The bride and groom are thrown a surprise festivus!

They are even treated to a very angular cake, with a side of wild flower salad.

It is said that dancing is another form of love making.

Looks like this guy is gettin' LAID then!

The villages most handsome man asks the bride for a polka.

To their surprise, he was also the villages best dancer!

According to this person's camera, they danced until the next day?

All the guests were treated to an imaginary feast!

It looked so delicious!

Bob Barker even showed up! He brought gifts of McDonalds and Wendys.

Shake shake shake!

dunna da dunna!

Shake shake shake!

Shake your booty!

"Yes dear, I know weddings get you all excited. No dear, I don't want to talk about it."

It's a good thing she was disinfected, they're getting awfully close.

The young girl with glasses is Michelle.

This was Michelle's drink stash.

It was bigger than Derek's drink stash.

The super-tall Aussie in the yellow dress had a serious advantage. Yes, this was an international event.

Barf.

The guests mingled...

...and drinks flowed late into the night.

It was quite a special day.

July 6th
"The epilogue."
-----------------------

The next day the newly weds embarked on the traditional search for honey.

For you see, all newly married couples are required to journey to far-away jungles in search of a sacred honey, that can only be seen by moonlight. They call this journey, the "honey moon".

Taking their luggage from them, the village's most handsome man took it upon himself to personally see that the couple's journey was a success.

After fueling up the plane...

...he hopped on board...

...checked is equipment...

...cleared his plane for take-off...

...and off they flew.

Never to be seen again.

And that my friends, is how shall I say...how the story goes.

Edit:

This was in the newspaper. It's a shame it was printed sideways.

------------------------------------------------------------

This post is dedicated to Brett, who will now finally be in my blog.

Brett
1982-present

The Longest Journey...

2008-08-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

Last we met, our heroes were seen courageously battling Zak and his evil army...

...done planting the explosives, they revved their engines- scooting off in a swift escape!

CHAPTER 5:
The Omega.
----------------

From a distance the two watched as Zak and his castle burned, black towers of smoke rising into the sky. Vultures flying along the horizon were approaching every-closer, somehow sensing a buffet of meaty bbq destruction.

"Now what?" Chris asked. Derek only responded with silence.

The two rode off into the sunset.

--------------------- *** -----------------------

Months later...

The two had receded to a life of peacefulness...

...sort of.

They had traveled to a quaint town in the mountainous Northeast...

...where they decided to train for, and form, their own bobsled team.

After years of exhaustive training...

...they were considered amongst the world's finest bobsled pushers and pilots.

They even went on to beat Jamaica in Vancouver's 2010 Winter Olympics.

During of which! They had befriended some fellow Canadian competitors...

...,the "giants of the North" if you will,...

...who had introduced them to a local miner during a nightly alcoholic romp.

Interested in joining the mining "biz", the two combined their savings and invested in a shovel. Unfortunately learning soon-thereafter that they had no idea how to use a shovel.

So instead went on to study at a fine university...

...where they were destine to make some great friends, and even greater memories.

The rest, shall we say, was none less than a happy. Ever. After.

The End.

--------------------------
In Loving Memory of Nick Lachey